Well, at least he didn’t puke on her

When I was in high school, I had a friend who would get drunk, pass out, and then get up in the middle of the night to pee. This is amusing from a distance but not so amusing when you attended a party and passed out in the rec room only to wake up to someone urinating on you.

The all-timer is when a friend’s mom got up one night and found our friend peeing on her plants.

Anyway, that’s who I thought of when I read this story. Robert “Sandy” Vietz is an 18-year old skier in the U.S. Olympic development program. He was flying from Portland to New York and had “five or six beers and two rum and cola cocktails” before boarding the plane. He passed out in his seat and awoke to the father of a 12-year old girl yelling at him. It seems he had just peed on the girl.

She’s way too young for a “water sports” joke here, so I’ll refrain.

The good news is that Vietz isn’t from Philadelphia.

~ Damin

Ocho to live with fan

As you know, my better half in this blog is a Patriots fan. She couldn’t be more excited at the prospect of Chad Ochocinco playing for the Pats. But I would bet she is upset she isn’t living in Boston right now. Because Ochocinco has decided that he’s going to live with a Patriots fan until he gets acclimated.

What are the requirements for the lucky fan? They have to have the Internet and they have to have an X-Box.

By the way, after Ochocinco’s first session with Boston reporters the other day, he requested a hug. Really. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again. We. Love. Ocho. Cinco.

~ Damin

This is pretty much what this web site was made for

Pacman Jones was arrested on Saturday. While wearing a neck brace. In fact, Jones was wearing the neck brace in his mug shot:

I’m pretty sure my life is complete now. Anyway, this website’s namesake was arrested outside a Cincinnati bar where he was repeatedly asked to leave for rowdy behavior.

Jones was reportedly yelling profanities and waving his arms violently. He was wearing the neck brace because he had surgery for a herniated disc in his neck he suffered last season.

WCPO-TV in Cincinnati quoted Pacman as saying, “I just had surgery, so why would I be resisting arrest?”

"It’s ridiculous, man," Pacman added. "I keep on going through the same thing and it don’t make no sense."

Actually, Pacman, to us, it makes perfect sense.

~ Damin

"...please know that you are wrong and that you are stupid and that I fucking hate you."

NFL lockout - whose side are you on?

Pause…

and/or No Homo is the (especially Black) Male Version of Does My Ass Look Fat In These Jeans?  I’ve decided.  This phrase must be a tic for some people, a nervous admission of insecurity.  There really is no other reason Chris Paul, for example, should ask viewers to consider how NOT gay he is (which only makes me imagine him GAY*) when we’re totally busy not thinking about his sexytime preferences until he said Pause

This article digs into the insult-vs-joke question about these terms’ use, as well as giving my fave vlogger Jay Smooth a shout out. It’s hard to top Jay/Ill Doctrine’s breakdown, which includes detail of how (No Homo) use can be a childish but addictive linguistic game, not unlike the use of 'That's What She Said.’  The latter of which, uh, guilty.

Regardless of whether some folks have fun throwing these terms around or blurt them out of insecurity, the number of gay slurs popping up at sporting events by coaches and players seems to be on the rise.  And it speaks to a deep underlying distaste of being thought of as gay that is at operation in American sports. 

If only Chris Paul could get away from the Drag Queens and Left Over Bitches of the French Quarter and see how fit, athletic, and macho SF Gay can be, maybe he’d relax?  Hell, he might never go home.

(No homo) 

~ Shavonne

*Don’t NOT think of a pink elephant.  See?

"Kids don’t belong at a baseball park"

was by far the best thing to come out of the mouth of anger-management-sufferer/Atlanta Braves pitching coach Roger Mc Dowell during a recent Braves-@Giants matchup.  Alas, he didn’t stop there.  Allegedly, homophobic invictive was spewed, tooth-smashing was threatened and crude gestures with a bat and his gyrating hips were made.  Yeah.  Ug. 

He also showed class by waiting until his team spanked the Padres to apologize.  And then he kind of made it sound like the fans were asking for it?  You be the judge.

~ Shavonne

Blankety-blank blank!

Aloha, WWPMJD readers!!  I had a little mental breakdown after the Pats failed to advance to the Superbowl, and as a result have been letting Damin do all the work. 

But to celebrate Barry Bonds’ inevitable GUILTY* verdict, I am back in the dugout.  Ready to report on all of Big Time Timmy Jim’s weed smoking, and whathaveyou. 

Let’s start with this shocking story: Alleged Rapist Drops F-Bomb (the other one).  I mean, presumably that’s what he said, Y! news didn’t say.

If you can’t tell, I’m not a Kobe fan.  But I do wish that stories regarding slurs would go ahead and print the words used instead of being such a bunch of f…ashionistas.  For example, if Kobe called the ref a ‘pole-smoker’ that would be so hilarious to me that it would make up for the rape diamond he bought his wife.

KIDDING!  Nothing will ever make up for that.

I want to hear some guesses as to what he might have said (Damin, looking at you).  And I’m a mite curious if he could have reversed the fine by throwing in the n-word.  I mean really, what would the color-blind (heh) NBA have done with ‘fuck you, you faggoty ass DL nigga mothafucka’?  I’m super curious. 

Be kind, y’all,

Shavonne

*of obstruction of justice! 

He’s all party manimal!

Horse racing died as a sport a couple of decades ago when the breeder’s took over. But it became official last week when Pimlico Race Course in Baltimore introduced its new infield mascot for this year’s Preakness Stakes (the middle race of the triple crown for those that don’t know anything about horse racing).

Speaking of those who don’t know anything about horse racing … Pimlico introduced “Kegasus,” a half-man, half-horse with a beer gut and nipple rings. The ad copy reads, “Part champion thoroughbred, part infield fan and all party manimal.”

I guess the plan from two years ago to curtail the drinking in the infield at the Preakness has itself been curtailed.

It will cost $50 ($40 in advance) to go to the infield on Preakness Day. And for $70 ($60 in advance), you can purchase a beer mug that can be refilled for free as many times as you want.

Apparently, Kegasus is part of an advertising campaign, appearing in radio and TV spots in the Baltimore area. This link has one embedded. Radio spots include the ditty, “Half-horse, half-man, with beer in hand, he strolls the InfieldFest. He’s bold, he rocks, he’s hot to trot, for girls with beautiful …”

Yeah, it’s that subtle. I have a suggestion for a marketing slogan - Preakness 2011: Come to the infield and get date-raped!

~ Damin

Pardon my french but WHAT THE SHIT, HORSE RACING.  I DID NOT SPEND YEARS OF MY GIRLHOOD RIDING FOR THIS. 

And I can improve that slogan, Damin: Preakness 2011: Come to the infield and get regular ol’ raped!  No dating required!!

~ Shavonne 

Watch your back, cuz

Dominique Wilkins and a former NBA referee got into a fight Wednesday night after an Atlanta Hawks game over a clothing bill.

Depending upon which side of the story you believe, Nique either didn’t pay for clothing provided by Rashan S. Michel, or the clothing was a gift, to the tune of $13,000-plus.

Michel has been tweeting about confronting Wilkins all day, apparently, with posts including, “Pay your debts, poser,” “His lil entourage had his back,” and the like.

The police report says Michel attacked Wilkins when Wilkins stepped away to de-escalate the situation but Michel went on an Atlanta radio show this morning and claimed Wilkins punched him.

~ Damin

Sheesh, I’d hate to get stuck at a Forever 21 with these two.  As my BFF is fond of saying about Facebook/Twitter: “Thank GOD that didn’t exist when we were in high school!”

And yes, I am saying these two are high school girls.

~ Shavonne

LT don’t card

Lawrence Taylor got off pretty easy (heh) after pleading guilty to patronizing a 16-year old prostitute this week. But who the hell is advising him? He went on a Fox News program on Tuesday and didn’t seem concerned at all about having sex with an underage girl.

"I don’t card them," he said. "I don’t ask for a birth certificate."

Taylor blamed the institution of prostitution (sounds like a Schoolhouse Rock song) for his troubles and admitted he’s used the services for years.

"I’m not the cause of prostitution," he said. "And sometimes I make mistakes and I may go out there. And I didn’t go pick her up on no playground. She wasn’t hiding behind the school bus or getting off a school bus. This is a working girl that came to my room."

Well, actually, LT, you are the cause of prostitution because you are one of (many, many, many) who are willing to pay for it because it’s easy. As they say, if there was no market, there wouldn’t be any working girls. That’s not to be prudish - I’m pretty firmly in the it-should-be-legal camp. But not with underage girls. And don’t say stupid shit like that when you were let off with probation. I think it’s pretty clear if any of the rest of us were caught having sex with an underage girl, we’d be serving hard time. And I mean hard time. Rumor has it those in prison serving time for fucking kids will leave the joint with blood running down their thighs.

So just thank your lucky stars, dude.

~ Damin

Could not have said it better.  What a dickbeard.

~ Shavonne

I’ll say he gave the Cougars length…

BYU has apparently kicked its leading rebounder off of the men’s basketball team because he had sex with his girlfriend. Having sex with your girlfriend is a violation of the school’s honor code.

The honor code requires every BYU student to live a “chaste and virtuous life.” Students also have to be honest, abstain from tobacco, alcohol and drugs and attend church regularly. There’s a reason Danny Ainge is the last Mormon to play in the NBA.

(Kidding - Ainge is the last Mormon with any athletic ability to play in the NBA)

Students also have to abstain from tea and coffee.

Apparently, gay sex acts by quarterbacks are OK.

This, of course, is recruiting gold. For every other school in the country. As it was, schools could recruit against BYU by mentioning the fact that Mormons taught that soldiers who fought less valiantly in the war for heaven were punished by being born into the seed of Cain as negroes. In 1978, the church finally retracted the ban on blacks being priests - coincidentally, at about the same time BYU decided it wanted to have a big-time sports program.

Now, the school has kicked it’s best black basketball player off of the team for having sex. Can’t wait to see coach Dave Rose hit the ghetto this summer. “We were ranked No. 3 in the country. Until we kicked Brandon Davies off the team for banging a shorty. Are you willing to promise to refrain from having sex with girls during the four years you attend?”

~ Damin

Guys, let your wives play, too. Watch her get pounded.